Just getting started with the divorce process. After almost 18 years we've decided we're better off apart. We have two kids 13 and 15, haven't told them yet. I'm thinking things should be fairly civil between us, but who knows once the lawyers get involved. I don't have a lawyer yet, will be meeting with a couple of them next week. Any advice of what to watch out for and how best to handle it with the kids? Thanks in advance.
Advice from those who have been through a divorce
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Chris Hughes
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Not divorced but had a custody dispute with a "babies Momma" back in my youth. Regarding the kids, at some point the "Friend of the Court" will get involved, always remember that they are not on your side. If a dispute breaks out over custody or visitation, fight to win. It is better to win a fight and be magnanimous then it is to rely on someone"s lawyer and a judge to determine what is just.
Another concept to understand is that of arbitration. The court will probably assign a "referee". The job of that person is not to seek a just solution for the conflict, but instead to find the middle ground of the opposing positions. If you want joint custody and she wants sole custody an arbiter will not seek to find a way to satisfy your wish but instead to find the miidle ground between the two.
I learned the hard way and it cost me a lot of heartache both for me and my daughter, in the end I prevailed but it sucked for a long time. Good luck and God bless.
Another concept to understand is that of arbitration. The court will probably assign a "referee". The job of that person is not to seek a just solution for the conflict, but instead to find the middle ground of the opposing positions. If you want joint custody and she wants sole custody an arbiter will not seek to find a way to satisfy your wish but instead to find the miidle ground between the two.
I learned the hard way and it cost me a lot of heartache both for me and my daughter, in the end I prevailed but it sucked for a long time. Good luck and God bless.
robtonya
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Best advice I can give, is be open and honest with your kids. Make sure they understand it is not their fault, and that both parents love them. At their age, I would let them decide who to live with. If you force them into something they are against, along with this whole divorce, they might hold a grudge. I've been through it, and learned a lot! When I get off my phone, and to a real keyboard, I can tell you more. Let me know if I can help you out in anyway.
Wood_Junkie
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I haven't divorced, but recently did some in depth research surrounding the process, and nearly did... We're giving it another go.
So the following is gleaned from advice sites and some professionals I met with...
If your spouse will agree to it, seek out and use lawyers who specialize in "Collaborative Divorce". It is something they need to be trained in, and possibly certified in. You may have to sign agreements to abide by the collaborative process, etc etc.
Tell your kids together and have a united "story" about why. Keep history, blame, etc all out of those conversations. Expect that they'll be off kilter for a bit, and might take sides (and might switch sides later).
Best wishes for you and your family.
So the following is gleaned from advice sites and some professionals I met with...
If your spouse will agree to it, seek out and use lawyers who specialize in "Collaborative Divorce". It is something they need to be trained in, and possibly certified in. You may have to sign agreements to abide by the collaborative process, etc etc.
Tell your kids together and have a united "story" about why. Keep history, blame, etc all out of those conversations. Expect that they'll be off kilter for a bit, and might take sides (and might switch sides later).
Best wishes for you and your family.
robtonya
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If you do go with one lawyer, that is not a collaborative lawyer, whomever hired them is who he is working for. My ex has done it twice to me about we can just share her lawyer. He us always trying to slip something by me until I start to walk away then he will "suggest" an alternative to her which is usually what I wanted in the first place.
I loved the advice about telling them together, and leave the fault and blame out of it. It is hard on kids, but if you two can be civil, they will adjust fine.
I worked with a guy who used to tell me about how him and his ex, and her new husband always did stuff together like camping. They acted like best friends. He inspired me when I was going through mine. We aren't best friends, but I try for the kids.
I loved the advice about telling them together, and leave the fault and blame out of it. It is hard on kids, but if you two can be civil, they will adjust fine.
I worked with a guy who used to tell me about how him and his ex, and her new husband always did stuff together like camping. They acted like best friends. He inspired me when I was going through mine. We aren't best friends, but I try for the kids.
GhostFist
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I'm not married but my parents divorced when I was 8. Custody of my brother and I went to our Mother and our father ended up moving a fair distance from us. This is a bit of a personal situation but my father didn't really have much involvement with us besides the odd weekend here and there and things grew up bitter between us. When I was 16 I cut off all contact all together and haven't spoken with him in 20 years for a number of reasons. I'm actually meeting up for him for the first time in 20 years tomorrow and honestly don't know what to think of it but who knows what will happen. My advice, try to make the split as friendly as possible for the sake of the kids, and who ever ends up with custody, remember you may be divorced but you HAVE to still work together as parents. Hopefully it doesn't become bitter between you and your wife and you can achieve this.
All the best
All the best
WarnerConstCo.
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I think you guys left out the most important thing, who gets custody of the tools? [big grin]
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If the two of you are getting along, then consider doing the process yourself. Check with your state, but you may have a self-help divorce process. It is simply a matter of filling out the forms and filing them with the court. I would hire an attorney to review the forms to ensure that there are no errors or pitfalls. Regardless whether you hire an attorney or not, what many people don't realize is that it doesn't have to be an adversarial (Plaintiff/Respondent) process. You can file a Joint Dissolution of Marriage with the court, and the process is very simple.
NuggyBuggy
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Maybe the OP has already done this, and maybe it is too late, but I thought I should throw this out there: has the OP considered marriage counselling ?
My wife and I were almost about to divorce a while ago, I hired a lawyer and we were seeing a child psychologist to best determine how to handle the issues with our kids (they were about 3 and 1 at the time). She had moved out.
Anyways, she had been seeing a therapist and ended up asking me to see her as well - the therapist wanted insight into my wife as it was assumed that reconciliation was impossible. Long story short, the therapist was great, we both trust her completely and we have been living happily (more or less) for about a year and a half now. I know that all therapists are not created equal, but if you find the right one it can make a world of difference - if that's what you want.
At the time I started seeing the therapist I thought there was no hope for us and was actually looking forward to a life apart.
Good luck.
My wife and I were almost about to divorce a while ago, I hired a lawyer and we were seeing a child psychologist to best determine how to handle the issues with our kids (they were about 3 and 1 at the time). She had moved out.
Anyways, she had been seeing a therapist and ended up asking me to see her as well - the therapist wanted insight into my wife as it was assumed that reconciliation was impossible. Long story short, the therapist was great, we both trust her completely and we have been living happily (more or less) for about a year and a half now. I know that all therapists are not created equal, but if you find the right one it can make a world of difference - if that's what you want.
At the time I started seeing the therapist I thought there was no hope for us and was actually looking forward to a life apart.
Good luck.
Sparktrician
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Rick Christopherson said:
Concur! I did that with my second ex, and it worked well. There were no attorneys getting in the middle trying to whip things into a shark-fest. We were in full agreement about who got what, bills, credit cards, etc. Didn't hurt any less, but at least the hurt was minimized compared to what it could have been. That having been said, be absolutely sure to back up all your business and personal financial and tax records, including scanning all receipts (especially the Festool goodies), to multiple, redundant CDs on a regular basis, and stash them with trusted friends, just in case things go to worms. Counseling from a really good, well-trained professional might help, if you haven't investigated that option. The one my ex insisted on using turned out to be a true dud, an addict, and highly unprofessional, but these are fortunately a minority, and don't be afraid to pitch one if they don't ring well with both of you. It's absolutely critical that the kids know that they're not the cause, and they're not being blamed for the trouble. They'll want you both back together, so be sure to love 'em a bit more, hug 'em a bit tighter, and keep them part of your life. Good luck.
Notorious T.O.D.
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My parents divorced when I was too young to remember. While I was not the cause I was certainly a factor, but they were the adults and made their choices. We all live with them to this day. In many respects I think it would have been much easier to have a parent just die. Easier to accept and move on I think.
Do all you can to make it work before giving in is my advise. Nobody wins in a divorce, except perhaps the money grubbin' lawyers.
An old joke I heard... "Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it." Sort of like Festools, except the tools I really want are Martin.
Murder if done across state lines is seldom caught....a police friend told me that...
Good luck and I hope you can forgive each other and move forward as a Family...
Best,
Todd
Do all you can to make it work before giving in is my advise. Nobody wins in a divorce, except perhaps the money grubbin' lawyers.
An old joke I heard... "Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it." Sort of like Festools, except the tools I really want are Martin.
Murder if done across state lines is seldom caught....a police friend told me that...
Good luck and I hope you can forgive each other and move forward as a Family...
Best,
Todd
because there are children involved, the court will require that an attorney represent their interest, your wife will have hers, and you will have your own.
every time your lawyer writes a letter, the other two lawyers will charge your family to read that letter.Now when they respond to that said letter they will charge a fee to write their response and your lawyer will charge you a fee to read their response.
this process will continue until one of you comes to your senses! Then you will go to trial where a judge will determine the outcome. Your lawyer, her lawyer and the kid's lawyer will go before the court,argue as to how best determine whats in the best interest of your children and then carve away at your wallet.
what's left is split 50 50 between you and your wife.she will get the house and a car, you will get your share of the house after the kids leave the nest. In the meantime you will pay spousal support and child support. You will have to find shelter for yourself and start a new life. A life that entails working 2 jobs to pay for the lawyers and support. On your free time you will want to spend with your kids. once in a while you will get a chance to mingle again.you will remember once bitten,twice shy,but you won't be thinking with that head,and now you will find Ms Right. Hopefully she will see you for what you are and keep in mind of your financial difficulties.
every time your lawyer writes a letter, the other two lawyers will charge your family to read that letter.Now when they respond to that said letter they will charge a fee to write their response and your lawyer will charge you a fee to read their response.
this process will continue until one of you comes to your senses! Then you will go to trial where a judge will determine the outcome. Your lawyer, her lawyer and the kid's lawyer will go before the court,argue as to how best determine whats in the best interest of your children and then carve away at your wallet.
what's left is split 50 50 between you and your wife.she will get the house and a car, you will get your share of the house after the kids leave the nest. In the meantime you will pay spousal support and child support. You will have to find shelter for yourself and start a new life. A life that entails working 2 jobs to pay for the lawyers and support. On your free time you will want to spend with your kids. once in a while you will get a chance to mingle again.you will remember once bitten,twice shy,but you won't be thinking with that head,and now you will find Ms Right. Hopefully she will see you for what you are and keep in mind of your financial difficulties.
My parents divorced in my early twenties, my brother was still at home. It was only very tough because they were not nice about it, and for a long time had nothing nice to say about each other. Within a few years of the divorce I moved out of the country and only had sporadic contact with them for a few years. I get along fine with them now, but I think later it was a huge betrayal of my trust to burden me with their dislike for each other during those years.
Until I was almost thirty I swore I'd never get married. I met the right person, I did, it's been twelve years, we have three kids, and a long way to go. I tell her only sixty more years and she'll be set free. We've had our share of huge problems, been through a lot of challenge and change together, and had professional therapy on and off the whole time. I'm a big believer in it's effectiveness. Even if it doesn't result in you airing and solving your problems together, it could at least contribute to an amicable separation.
Until I was almost thirty I swore I'd never get married. I met the right person, I did, it's been twelve years, we have three kids, and a long way to go. I tell her only sixty more years and she'll be set free. We've had our share of huge problems, been through a lot of challenge and change together, and had professional therapy on and off the whole time. I'm a big believer in it's effectiveness. Even if it doesn't result in you airing and solving your problems together, it could at least contribute to an amicable separation.
Theshipstore
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Having been there and done that, my only advise to you is make sure the children are aware of the going's and never bad mouth your spouse in front of them EVER.
MY ex turn my daughters against me 18 years ago. They were living with her, young and very open to their mothers dislike of me.
I have not seen them in 15 years now and I will say as a parent that has been thru a divorce do all you can for the children, they will need you help to get thru this
I can only with you luck with this because it willl not be easy
MY ex turn my daughters against me 18 years ago. They were living with her, young and very open to their mothers dislike of me.
I have not seen them in 15 years now and I will say as a parent that has been thru a divorce do all you can for the children, they will need you help to get thru this
I can only with you luck with this because it willl not be easy
I have been married for 45 years as of day after tax payment next week. I guess I'll keep her around for another 45 or so. I do have a funny ( to me0 story about when my brother was going thru his divorce. I was single, and proud of it. I was running a biz for a friend whose husband had just died and I was going day and night trying to keep everything together for the woman and her 7 kids. I was at work at 5am or earlier every morning and staying on the job until 1 or 2 am every morning. I was managing school busses and a repair garage with a crew of over 20 workers. The busses were old and breakdowns or red lining was an almost daily occurance. I was nearly dead on my feet from lack of sleep. One nite, I walked into the house at around 1am, ready to drop in my tracks when my mom told me my sister-in-law was in the neighborhood and wanted to talk to me. I suggested I was not interested in any conversation, but just needed to go to sleep, as I had to take care of a school bus that had not been finished for repairs by 4 am in the morning. My mom called SIL anyhow and she arrived within a few minutes. She started telling me that she and hubby had been going to a therapist, my mom had been to therapist as had her parents. She suggested i take up the habit, to which I kept informing her i had to get some sleep. I finally started taking off my boots and socks with every indication i was just going to get ready for bed whether she was there or not. She kept babbling away until she finally asked, "How is your sex life?"
"Whaaaat!!!???"
"How is your sex life?"
My reply as I stood up facing her, pants already unbuckled, "TERRIBLE. Do you want to help me out?"
End of conversation. She practically ran out of the house. That was in May of 1963 and I have not seen her since.
Tinker
"Whaaaat!!!???"
"How is your sex life?"
My reply as I stood up facing her, pants already unbuckled, "TERRIBLE. Do you want to help me out?"
End of conversation. She practically ran out of the house. That was in May of 1963 and I have not seen her since.
Tinker
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