I don't have any magic answers here, but I would like to make a few comments about TIME as an ingredient of communication success or failure. Please take this as a set of observations, and food for thought - NOT a comment about any individuals -- I've been thinking about this for at least 3-4 years.
Years ago I worked in a lab next to two post-doctoral researchers, he from the US, she from England. They went out together pretty seriously, and then her appointment ran out and she returned to England. Both of them intended to continue the relationship, to the extent possible. He was head-over-heels in love, but she seemed to be less so, or perhaps just found the distance was not working in their favor.
In any event, for months they wrote soul-searching letters (before e-mail) several times weekly. On several occasions he would receive a 'disturbing' letter, and would immediately sit down and pour his heart out in response, and put the letter in the mail. Two days later, he'd receive another letter from her, in which she apologized, or changed her mind, whatever. He'd them come into our lab, distraught, "Oh, sh--, what am I going to do? I just sent her that letter saying X,Y,Z, and I totally misunderstood what she was saying." We tried to be sympathetic, but after awhile it became entertaining . . .
The point is, the GAP in their communications created serious problems. Letters were passing in the night, referring to previous letters that were already obsolete, although not yet received.
With the advent of the internet, we now have precisely the opposite problem. Now we find ourselves responding too quickly, creating another set of problems. Person A responds to Person B (good, bad, or indifferent), the C chimes in, then D, then A, then C, then B. This can all happen within an hour or so, creating a very lively discussion. Now E gets home from work and reads everything, and replies by supporting A and disagreeing with B. This creates another round-robin . . . Then someone in England or Australia wakes up and the same thing happens all over again . . . .
Here are a couple of suggestions that might be worth considering, but keep in mind, these are not intended to be 'pearls of wisdom', just some thoughts that have occurred to me over time.
1. If something is disturbing, write out a reply, but don't send it (yet). (Of course, this is not new . . . )
2. Sleep on it, or at least wait a few hours. Try to avoid the first knee-jerk reaction.
3. It may be beneficial to NOT respond to every post on a minute-to-minute basis. Sometimes you will find the other person has reconsidered, and posted a correction, or clarification, or apology. This can't happen if every reply is posted within minutes.
4. Keep in mind that in the absence of direct contact, body language and tone of voice are missing. Give others the benefit of the doubt whenever possible.
5. Try to understand what others are saying before firing off a reply. If there is any doubt, try to paraphrase the topic and seek clarification first. (In 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, Steven Covey tells us to "Seek first to understand, then to be understood.") If your request for clarification might be interpreted as an attack, maybe it would be best to ask for clarification in a private message, rather than inadvertently starting a flame war. (Assuming, of course, you are not purposefully trying to start a flame war!.)
I'd be curious if anyone has comments, or better yet, additional suggestions.
e.g.
Years ago I worked in a lab next to two post-doctoral researchers, he from the US, she from England. They went out together pretty seriously, and then her appointment ran out and she returned to England. Both of them intended to continue the relationship, to the extent possible. He was head-over-heels in love, but she seemed to be less so, or perhaps just found the distance was not working in their favor.
In any event, for months they wrote soul-searching letters (before e-mail) several times weekly. On several occasions he would receive a 'disturbing' letter, and would immediately sit down and pour his heart out in response, and put the letter in the mail. Two days later, he'd receive another letter from her, in which she apologized, or changed her mind, whatever. He'd them come into our lab, distraught, "Oh, sh--, what am I going to do? I just sent her that letter saying X,Y,Z, and I totally misunderstood what she was saying." We tried to be sympathetic, but after awhile it became entertaining . . .
The point is, the GAP in their communications created serious problems. Letters were passing in the night, referring to previous letters that were already obsolete, although not yet received.
With the advent of the internet, we now have precisely the opposite problem. Now we find ourselves responding too quickly, creating another set of problems. Person A responds to Person B (good, bad, or indifferent), the C chimes in, then D, then A, then C, then B. This can all happen within an hour or so, creating a very lively discussion. Now E gets home from work and reads everything, and replies by supporting A and disagreeing with B. This creates another round-robin . . . Then someone in England or Australia wakes up and the same thing happens all over again . . . .
Here are a couple of suggestions that might be worth considering, but keep in mind, these are not intended to be 'pearls of wisdom', just some thoughts that have occurred to me over time.
1. If something is disturbing, write out a reply, but don't send it (yet). (Of course, this is not new . . . )
2. Sleep on it, or at least wait a few hours. Try to avoid the first knee-jerk reaction.
3. It may be beneficial to NOT respond to every post on a minute-to-minute basis. Sometimes you will find the other person has reconsidered, and posted a correction, or clarification, or apology. This can't happen if every reply is posted within minutes.
4. Keep in mind that in the absence of direct contact, body language and tone of voice are missing. Give others the benefit of the doubt whenever possible.
5. Try to understand what others are saying before firing off a reply. If there is any doubt, try to paraphrase the topic and seek clarification first. (In 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, Steven Covey tells us to "Seek first to understand, then to be understood.") If your request for clarification might be interpreted as an attack, maybe it would be best to ask for clarification in a private message, rather than inadvertently starting a flame war. (Assuming, of course, you are not purposefully trying to start a flame war!.)
I'd be curious if anyone has comments, or better yet, additional suggestions.
e.g.
;D 
