Well, I got bad news today....

I'm terribly sorry about your loss. My mother was killed in an automobile accident in 2005 so I understand the shock and the pain, and how none of it makes sense.

Nobody can say anything to make you feel better. My only advice is to allow yourself to grieve and take it easy on yourself. Over the coming months there will be times when you don't function quite as well as you're used to functioning, even when you seem to be feeling okay. Accept it. It's not about being "strong" or "weak." It's just part of the human condition.

Events like this do help put the rest of our crazy lives into perspective. Spend more time with the people you love and less time doing everything else, all the things that seemed to matter a great deal but really don't matter at all.

It's great that you and your father seemed to share a lot. That will mean more and more as time goes by.
 
Flyfisher said:
Rob, may the Lord's peace be with you and your family in this time of mourning. 

Mark

Rob,

I echo this and will pray for you and your family.

Dave
 
                    Thanks again, msrndr said it best, there have been times when I don't seem to function well, even though I am feeling ok. I have been trying to keep busy remodeling our main bathroom, there is times when I just want to sit down and think, and not about the project, just think about life. I will start another post away from this thread to show what i've been busy with on the bathroom. Thanks to all that has responded. brandon.nickel, your post hit home because my dad had a shop in his basement, and when the sewer backed up, he had to clean it out, anyway he decided to move his shop upstairs to his back porch. The porch was big enough just to house his equipment, not to do any work, so he was buying equipment to make it more portable to do work outside when weather permitted. That was one of the reasons for purchasing this new tool box. It was big enough to store small equipment on top and roll it outside. I tried to buy him a building similar to mine (10'X20' ,not much but better than being outside.), but my step-mother was really against it, so he was stuck on his back porch. I had to borrow a tool today, and had to go on the back porch, which was hard enough, and I seen the tool box. I seen what he was doing now. He had the wheels on and had it loaded up with tools, but the floor was unlevel, and the drawers slowly were opening after being shut. He was trying to level it, and I bet the drawers came open, making it top heavy, and falling over on him. I wish she would have let me buy him his own building. She thought the building was ugly. Well, thanks again for letting me post, and thanks for all that have helped me out with this.
 
Hang in there bro. Your mind will find a million and one things that could have been or should have been done different that would have or might have changed the outcome of what happened. But what happened was a very bad accident and could not have been forseen. 
 
I agree, hang in there. It happened, just do your best to cope. Don't think about how it could be different, just put your mind to the love you had with him and the love you still have for those who are still with you. He would want you to eventually accept and move on, but don't push yourself. Some parts of losing a parent will just never be okay. We're all somebody's kid.
 
I have been trying to keep busy remodeling our main bathroom, there is times when I just want to sit down and think, and not about the project, just think about life.

That is a perceptive observation. Give yourself space to do both -- work to keep busy, and take time to sit down and think about life.

When my dad died our family was seeing a counselor dealing with some problems with our kids (relatively minor in the grand scheme of things). She made the comment, that I've never forgotten, that when someone dies, the feelings that one has are real. All the layers of 'how should I feel' or 'what should I say' seem to evaporate, and what we experience comes from deep inside. It is invaluable to allow the time to have those feelings, and to use these feelings as an opportunity for personal growth and reconciliation. You may not be getting your bathroom or other work done quite as quickly or efficiently, but believe me, this is not the same thing as 'slacking off' -- it is not 'wasting time'!

As others have said, and as you are already finding, there will be a balance between living your life on a day-to-day basis, and 'just sitting down and thinking about life'.

God bless,

Ed
 
Rob,

My heart is with you.  You and your family have my deepest sympathy.  My dad has been gone >13 years and I still miss him much.  He was a professional mechanic and I have his original tool chest and many of his tools.  I treasure them and think fondly of him every time I use any of them.

Dave R.
 
Rob,
  When our world changes, a child, parent, or sibling dies, its hard to see how anything so painful could have a positive side. When my mom died my sisters and I who had fought our whole life became supportive of each other.  It was quite amazing. Much like the responses in these letters on the FOG. Great loss breaks down our habit of being superficial to each other. It breaks down the boundaries between us. My wish for you is that you can fondly remember the good times you spent with your father and know that the pain of his loss will fade with time.
Mike
 
We had the services this weekend, it was a good service, probably the best I had ever seen. The one few good things of it was that I got to see some of his buddies he use to work with at a powerplant. He had some good friends. The only odd thing, and I was wanting an opinion from some people, is my step-mother's behavior. She has actually got me pretty mad at her. She didn't say two words to me during service. Her next door neighbors talked to me more than her. It is almost that she hasn't realized that she isn't the only one that has suffered a loss. I know it is hard time for her, and I haven't showed my feelings to her just cause it is a hard time. Another thing that has gotten me upset at her is the our inheritance. I know what dad's wishes were. He wanted all insurance money to go to her, and when she goes, to split it four ways with my other three siblings. I am fine with that, I do not want a dime, but he also had told me he wanted the tools and stuff to go to me ( he talked about this stuff every now and then.) Well my siblings and me all got offered a sock of dad's. She has packed up all his tools and stuck them back in the basement, where he was trying to get out from. I didn't bring it up to any of my brothers and sister, but they all asked me what I was wanting of dad's, and none of them wanted his tools, and if they did, I was willing to share. My step-mother is a pack-rat type personality. That is why she wants to hang on to everything. Anyway this has pissed me off enough to plan my own funeral, and to have a will drawn up, because I love my kids enough, that I will be damned if I ever pass and leave them a sock!

Thanks to all that let me vent here again.
 
Ouch, what a tough break, I'll remember him in prayers Sunday.

Keep talking to him, I still talk to mine 30 years after.  He can be inspiration on many projects to come, and if you use some of his favorite tools you might feel like he's there with you.

God Bless,

Steve
 
Rob,

It's OK to vent.  Everyone does, or needs to, occasionally when they are under stress, as you now are.  I've never had to deal directly with a step-mother situation like yours, but I have seen the unfortunate dissention that can occur over distribution of the personal property and other assets among siblings.  My father was the second oldest in his family.  He had one older brother, one younger brother and one who was the "baby" of the family.  My dad and his younger brother stayed and worked on that farm after becoming adults.  The oldest brother and "baby" sister left to pursue other interests (and marriage) soon after high school.  But at the passing of the last parent, the will granted her an undivided interest in ~one half of the 300 acre farm, and my dad got 1/6th.  Dad took it well, and he and his sister remained close throughout their lives.  But my mom saw it as grossly unfair and seemed to hold a grudge for some time.  That did no one any good.  Fortunately she eventually got over it, too.  Forgiveness is central to healing.  The person who does not forgive is the person most likely to continue to suffer hurt.  I hope you are soon feeling better over your loss.

Dave R.
 
I hope that it is just the way she is dealing with it, and maybe she will realize that we all miss him. I haven't said anything to her, I know it is not a good time to. I do feel bad for my older brother who drove a long way, and he doesn't have much, and the things he was asking for was very small items but meant alot to him, but he went home with nothing but an offer to have a sock. I live a few blocks from him, I have more comfort of knowing I am close to him.
 
I also have not had to deal with the step-family issue, but your confusion and pain is very understandable. At the same time, Eli's suggestion is worth thinking about. Not knowing any of the people involved, I (we) can obviously not make any specific suggestions. Things may get better with time, or perhaps not. I'd try to be as optimistic as possible, and bend over backwards to help smooth the waters for everyone. And yes, this is extremely difficult when you barely have enough energy to get out of bed in the morning.

We read this frequently, but it never really has any meaning until it becomes first-hand experience -- that is, everyone reacts to grief differently. It is possible (again, I/we can't really know) that you step-mother is shell-shocked, overwhelmed, (scared?), and not able to recognize or process the feelings that have been floating around.

Here's another suggestion - it might work for some people, and be counterproductive for others. A good counselor can be worth his/her weight in gold! Counselors, social workers, psychologists, and psychiatrists are not just there to treat 'crazy' people. It can be really helpful to work with someone with experience in these matters. They won't 'tell you what to do', but they can be invaluable in helping you sort out some of the inevitable issues, and will certainly be able to offer suggestions.

If you've never gone that route, it can seem like a huge, intimidating hurdle. How do you find a 'good' counselor? Ask for recommendations, but most of all, trust your vibes! Despite any initial reservations, and time to build trust, you should feel safe, secure, and comfortable within the first 30 minutes. You won't need any help on this one; you'll know immediately! And no one will be offended if you to meet with several 'candidates' before deciding whether to proceed.

I'm not trying to 'push' -- just tossing out a suggestion -- only you can decide what feels right . . .

Ed

 
She's between you and the tools. You get more flies with honey...... ;D ;D ;D
 
I agree with iggy07, I am not sure how she is greiving, and after thinking about it at work all night (don't worry, I still painted good trucks), I have decided to shift my focus on things that I can control. I know I would never want to leave my children feeling like I do, so I will take the steps to prepare as much as I can so they don't have to feel like I do. I really think she meant well by offering a small something of dad's, like a sock, but I took it as a slap in the face. She never said I couldn't have anything else. I think she is afraid everyone was going to fight over his stuff, which was not the case. It is what it is, I can't do any thing about it, so I am not going to put anymore effort into it. I would like to have some of dad's tools now, so I can treasure them, but maybe dad is "upstairs" taking care of me somehow, like a better plan than what i got laid out. Any way I can treasure some of the amazing things that has happened since his passing. Not many people can say that their step-dad was a paul bearer for their dad (hope my spelling is right), and the love and support I got from everyone (including this forum). If I think about all those things, every thing else seems small. I am lucky to of had a dad as good as him, and I hope I will be as good of a dad as him too.

I had a hard time trying to figure out why I just started posting about this subject on a woodworking forum,(I thought about this at work too), and I realized that I value your opinions and wish to learn from your experiences. I always like to listen for an opinion, I always asked dad for his. I could always ask my wife, but I liked an older, and wiser, and sometimes just a guys point of view, and that is why I just started telling you all my life story. Thanks for listening. I do feel as if I have worked through alot. Now I just need to learn how to post pictures, and I can show you some of the stuff I have been working on ;D
 
Just one piece of advice - give it some time.  Chances are there the subject of your Dad's tools will come up and you can discuss it then.  Don't rush it.  A simple will bypasses the kinds of difficulties you are experiencing.  Keep your commitment to yourself to have one drawn up and update it every once in a while.  Good luck.
 
I just came across this thread. I am at a loss for words.

My deepest condolences to all of your family. :'(
 
Thanks, these past few weeks have been really hard for me, I haven't talked much about it or even replied in this thread, I don't want to come across as that is the only thing I can talk about, but it is all I think about.
 
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